I've been away a while. I didn't really go anywhere (except for 3 days in Forster) I just needed to stop the world for a short while. It was partly laziness, part getting ready for the onslaught of houseguests over Christmas, but mostly coming to terms with the fact that I was about to experience my first Christmas without my mother. I felt grief of course when she first passed away, but it turned back and slammed me full in the face about mid November. Memories of Christmas as a child returned to haunt me as I watched everyone else prepare for what is usually my favourite time of the year. I kept fighting back tears as I put up decorations and trimmed the tree with my own child as my mum had done with me for so many years. Too soon, too soon.
I crawled out from under my rock to watch the new year in and decided enough. I need to stop pretending all was ok as I had done all year. I need to live again. Mum would want it that way. But first I need to heal. I had been going to a grief councellor for about 6 months but felt no better. I need to do this my way.
I took a book away with me when we went to Forster. I wanted to read something that would help me, something with meaning. "I know I saw a pocket book of Buddhism here somewhere" I thought to myself as we were packing. I found a small book called The Essence Of Happiness - A Guidebook for Living by the Dalai Lama and Dr Howard Cutler. Perfect. I take in my handbag and open it up the first night we were there. Inside the front cover is an inscription from my sister. She had given it to me for my birthday back in 2001 and I said "ummmm thanks....", put it on the bookshelf and promptly forgot it!
"Hope this book brings many insights" she wrote. Thanks sis you came through for me once again. I was ignorant and didn't appreciate the book then, but boy do I appreciate it now! I devoured it in no time and filled the poor little thing with post-it notes. I wanted to know more and decided I needed to learn how to meditate.
And then God created Google.....................
Thank heaven for the internet. I searched meditation courses in my area and found - ta da - Meditation & Buddhism with drop-in meditation classes. Double perfect. Starting this weekend. Triple perfect. So after I have a mini panic attack about finding parking in Mona Vale (I hate parking in Mona Vale) I make it on time (a little early actually) and try to quietly remain in the background until the class starts. The topic for the first few weeks is "change your mind - change your life" and is about finding happiness from within you and not seeking happiness from external sources.
I bounced out. And realised that parking in Mona Vale is no big issue really.